Deadly Secrets
by LovemelikesnapelovedlilyALWAYS
Summary: "Liv, don't do this stay with me." Tears began to fall from Elliot's eyes. "Elliot." Olivia choked. "I...I..." "Shhh its ok baby its ok you are going to be ok just stay with me." He held her there in his arms, applying pressure with one hand and brushing her hair with the other. Tears were gushing from his eyes. "I love you Olivia and I'm sorry that it has to be like this."
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I own nothing recognizable.**

**A/N: this is just a one shot unless you all think it should continue. **

Olivia walked into the cribs. She seen him laying there on the cot. He looked so peaceful.

She almost didn't want to wake him up.

But she had to. She had to tell him. She had waited long enough.

She walked over and sat on the edge of the cot.

"Elliot," she whispered.

He stirred in his sleep.

"Elliot, wake up, there is something I need to tell you." She said lightly nudging his arm.

His eyes fluttered open. "what is it was there a break in the case?" he said in a low voice.

"No not yet, but there is something I have to tell you."

"What is it is there something wrong?" he asked concerned. He sat up and looked her in the eyes.

"I have been hiding this for a long time. I know that this is not the time or place for this, but I finally have the guts to do it, so here goes nothing. Elliot I love you."

Elliot looked taken back. "What? Liv I... I'm married."

Just then Fin busted in the cribs, "hey, whoa I'm not interrupting am I?"

"Umm no, whats up?" Olivia said breaking the eye contact with Elliot.

"Well we just got a break in the case a witness seen Olivia's plea on the news. They said that they don't want to testify but at least they have good info."

"Ok why aren't you down there?" Olivia asked.

"She only wanna talk to you baby-girl."

"Ok ill be right down."

"Ok ill have it all set up." Fin walked out of the room and shut the door behind him.

"Can we finish this later?" Elliot asked.

"Why Elliot like you said you are married." Olivia stood up and walked out of the room.

Elliot just sat there. Befuddled. _What just happened?_ He asked himself. _Why would she just say that? She knows that I am married. I do love her. I would love to have a relationship with her. But I am married. I could never do that to my wife. I could never do that to her. She deserves better than to be the other woman. I love her too much to put her in that situation. How am I going to just pretend that never happened? Should I just let it go? Should I just wait until she comes to me with this again? Or should I show her that I love her too? Should I show her what she means to me? Should I just tell her that it will never be anything because of my wife? Should I leave my wife? No, I cant leave my wife. She is my wife. I love her too. But I love Olivia on a whole different level than Kathy. I married Kathy young. Too young. I have kids I have to worry about. What if I leave Kathy and my kids are kept from me? What if she moves away? Her mom lives in South Carolina what if she moves there? What if she takes them and I never see them again? But what if I don't follow through with Olivia and she never finds true happiness? What if she is alone just because I married the wrong woman? What if me and Kathy never are truly happy? We fight all the time now as it is. What if that doesn't change and we get divorced then I would have lost both of the women I love. Granted I love Olivia more. I think that I love her more because we know each other in ways that I could never express to Kathy. _Elliots mind raced a hundred miles a minute.

Elliot walked out of the room and down the steps to the cribs.

Olivia was walking out of the interrogation room. "Come on I know where he is."

"Ok."

XXX

In the car there was tension so thick it was hard to breathe.

"Elliot," Olivia spoke first.

"Liv, listen," he started. "you caught me off guard earlier. I just want you to know that I love you. I cant help it. I don't want to love you the way that I do because I'm married and I know that in the long run you will just get hurt. I want things to be different I really do. But I cant leave my wife. I know that we aren't the perfect couple. But you have to understand. I love her. I'm not in love with her any more and it is hard to live with someone and to be married to someone when you don't love them the way that I love you. I want to be with you Liv. I want us to have the family and life I thought I was going to have when I married Kathy. But things don't always go the way that they should. I should be with you and I know that we will be. I know that in my heart. I know that we are going to be together one way or another. I know that you deserve better than what I would put you through trying to be with you while I am still married to Kathy. I just want you to know that I do love you and you deserved better than the reaction you got earlier. I should have told you all of this instead of just telling you that it would never happen. I love you and I want to be with you. I know that I shouldn't and I almost wish I didn't because our road is not going to be an easy one we have a lot to worry about and a lot to figure out. And I am going to leave Kathy. I am going to leave her and I'm going to make sure that she cant take my kids and run. That is all that I am worried about Liv, my kids. I want to be there for them and that is going to be harder than filing for divorce. I don't want you to feel like you are the reason that this is going to happen because that is not the case. I am doing this because I am not happy I am not happy with the way that my life is going. And I know that if I am with you then my life will be much better. I am truly sorry for the way that it all happened earlier you should hate me for being such an ass. I do love you and I hope you can see it." Elliot said as they pulled up. "are you ok?" he said looking at Olivia who was crying.

"I never meant to love you Elliot. I never wanted to have you leave your wife. I don't want you to do it because of me. I love you I really do. But if I'm going to be a home-wrecker then I would rather you not leave her. I don't want this to happen like this."

"It's not. I love you and I'm leaving her because I don't love her the way that I should. The fact that I even thought about divorce means that this is nothing about you Liv. Me and Kathy have our problems. Me and Kathy have serious problems. And most of them are because of what I do. She cant handle it. I'm not going to stop doing what I love to do, what I'm good at and what makes this world a better place because she is angry that I cant talk to her about it. When I don't talk to her about it so that I can protect her. I love my wife Olivia. But I don't love her like I should. I don't love her the way that a husband should love his wife. I want to be with you. I have loved you for a long time. I just didn't say anything because I was married and I didn't know if you felt the same way. Now that I know how you feel all that is holding me back is a loveless marriage. And there is no reason that should anymore."

"Elliot I'm just confused."

"Why are you confused?"

"Because one minute you are telling me that you cant be with me because you are married and the next minute you are telling me that you are leaving your wife so that we can be together. You wouldn't let me talk. I have more to say. I have a reason for wanting to tell you today. I have a place I want this to go this wasn't just a random thing there is a reason that it is happening the way that it is. And I want to tell you."

"What is it Liv?"

"Will you just stop interrupting me? Damn it El," she said still crying and raising her voice at the same time. "i told you today because I wanted to make sure I told you before I put in my papers."

"What?!" Elliot exclaimed.

"There you go interrupting again. I'm going to be transferring to the F.B.I's BAU. I got the call a week ago and I told them that we were working on a case and to let me make the decision and I would have an answer when the case closed. I haven't called them yet. No one knows but you and Don that I even have the opportunity. And the only reason he knows that is because he is the one that put in the request call. He said that he got a call from them. They wanted to know if there was anyone from our unit that could he could think of that would be a good fit. He said there was only one person he could think of that would do the job justice and gave them my name. You are the only person at this time that knows that I have decided to take the offer. I haven't told Don yet because I just decided this myself. When I walked into the cribs earlier and I got the reaction from you that I did I knew that there was nothing to keep me here anymore. I know that you love me. When you said the words I felt the truth, but like you said you are married you have a life you have kids that you have to worry about. I'm not Kathy. I could never have that life. And I would never want you to give up what you stand for for me. You are a family man. And it would go against everything for you to be with me. I don't want that. I would love to have a relationship with you Elliot. And I know that we should be together. But I want you to be happy and I want to be happy maybe this is what we both need. I cant do this. I cant have you give up your life for me. As much as I love you and as much as I feel you love me I know that we would never work. I'm taking the job and there is nothing that could change my mind. Now we have a case to close so that I can go home and start packing. Please lets just get this dirt bag and go home." she opened the car door and got out. She wiped her tears away before shutting the door.

Elliot met her at the door to the apartment that the suspect lived at. She knocked twice and held her hand on her gun holster.

A little old woman opened the door.

"Mrs. Gregman is your grandson home?" Elliot said.

"No can I ask what this is about?" She said soft and sweetly. But her eyes gave another answer. She kept looking back in the house.

Olivia seen what the woman was doing. "Do you know where he might be?"

"The last time is seen him was around nine this morning." The woman said. The she mouthed the words, _"in the kitchen with a gun." _

"Ok Mrs. Gregman thank you." Olivia and Elliot drew their guns and proceeded past the woman into the house.

The woman shut the door. And walked over to Olivia.

"He is right in there." she whispered and pointed down the hallway to the kitchen.

"Is there any other way to the kitchen besides that door there?" Olivia whispered as low as possible.

"There is another door through this way." Mrs. Gregman responded.

"Is there a back door?" Elliot chimed in with another whisper.

"Yes but it is boarded up."

"There is no way that he can get out?"

"No not unless he gets back through here."

"Ok Mrs. Gregman I'm going to need you to go upstairs and hide in the bedroom with the door shut ok?" Olivia whispered. "And don't come out for anything. I want you to take this and call 9-1-1 and tell them the location and I want you to let them know that there are two detectives from Manhattan SVU here requesting back up can you do that?" Olivia said almost silently as she handed the lady a cell phone.

The woman nodded and did as she was told.

Olivia and Elliot proceeded farther toward the kitchen. Elliot took the main entrance and Olivia took the entrance that Mrs, Gregman pointed out. Elliot had no visual due to the swinging door. And Olivia had full visual.

Sampson Gregman was standing by the counter with a gun in his hand. Olivia, with her gun still drawn relinquished cover. She had her gun pointed right at Gregman.

"Sampson I am Olivia Benson and I just want to talk to you. Put the gun down and we wont have any problems."

Elliot peeked through the swinging door and seen that Sampson now had his gun pointed at Olivia.

"I didn't want to." Sampson said crying.

Sampson was a small man about 5'8" and 130 lbs. He was only 23 years old.

"Sampson I don't care right now what you did I just want to talk about it." Olivia said trying to calm him down.

"I hurt that little girl."

"Sampson we can talk about this but right now I have a lot of police officers on their way and none of them are going to want to talk. Now I really don't want them to have to hurt you. Please put the gun down. Lets do this like adults."

"I deserve to be punished. I deserve to die for what I did."

"Listen Sampson the guns are making me a little nervous if you put your gun down and slide it to me I can put my gun down too. I really want to put my gun down Sampson help me out please."

Sampson lowered his gun, but did not put it down and slide it to Olivia. "I cant I have to end this. I have to be punished for what I did to her."

"Sampson it hurts I know that but please don't hurt anyone else just put the gun down and slide it to me."

"STOP SAYING THAT!" Sampson screamed pointing the gun back at Olivia.

"Ok ill stop but please let me help you I cant help you as long as you have the gun in your hands. Sampson I really want to help you."

"Why do you want to help me. Do you know what I did to her?"

"We can talk about it but Sampson why don't we go down town and talk about it?"

"I ain't going anywhere. I'm going to die right here where that little girl died. Right here where I killed her I'm going to kill myself." Sampson raised the gun to his head.

"Sampson look I'm going to put my gun away. Ok? If I put my gun away can we talk then?"

"I don't want to talk. I don't deserve to talk. I didn't let her talk. I had her gagged. I had her gagged and she couldn't hardly breath."

Olivia put her gun away. "Look I put my gun away ok. Fine if you don't want to talk then we wont talk but I think that it is fair that you at least put the gun down."

Olivia was looking at the other entrance to the kitchen where Elliot stood on the other side of the door.

"Sampson my partner is just on the other side of that door now I don't have a gun but he does. So I want you to put the gun down. I don't want to have to call him in here."

Sampson took the gun from his head and pointed it at Olivia. "I cant go to jail." And he fired.

Olivia's eyes widened and she grabbed her abdomen. She looked at her hands and seen blood. She then fell to the floor.

Elliot barged through the door. He shot Sampson in the chest. And quickly slid the gun across the floor and ran to Olivia. "Liv, baby come on stay with me. Stay with me baby come on you can do it." He grabbed the walkie off his belt, held the button and screamed into it. "Officer down I need a bus at 1235 east 5th street. I repeat officer down. Also a wounded suspect. I need a bus. I repeat I need a bus." He threw the walkie to the floor and began to apply pressure to Olivia's wound. "Liv, don't do this stay with me." Tears began to fall from Elliot's eyes.

"Elliot." Olivia choked. "I...I..."

"Shhh its ok baby its ok you are going to be ok just stay with me." He held her there in his arms, applying pressure with one hand and brushing her hair with the other. Tears were gushing from his eyes. "I love you Olivia and I'm sorry that it has to be like this. It can be better just stay with me baby please stay with me."

Just then the paramedics ran in and Elliot jumped out of the way. And let them do their thing. They rushed her onto the gurney and out the door. He ran behind. He watched them load her into the ambulance and slowly seen the life he loved so dearly slipping away.

**A/N: well there you have it... this was just something that once I started I couldn't stop thinking about... I hope that you all enjoyed reading it because it was a blast to write... I started to cry... how silly is that... well I have a couple ideas I could keep this going but it is entirely up to you if you want more then you can either review and let me know what you think or p/m me either way is cool... please review :) **

** with much love,**

** lovemelikesnapelovedlilyALWA YS**


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: I own nothing recognizable!**

**A/N: I would like to thank everyone for their support... and as long as I keep getting reviews wanting more there will be more... here is another chapter... I hope you enjoy...**

Elliot watched through the glass as they tried to save Olivia's life. He watched. And waited. And cried. He looked down and noticed that his shirt was covered in blood. Olivia's blood. He sobbed heavier.

"Detective Stabler?" Asked a woman in aqua colored scrubs also covered in blood.

"Yes that's me how is she?" Elliot said wiping his tears away.

"She is stable. For now. The bullet went straight through, in the process it clipped a nerve in her back."

"Is she going to be paralyzed?"

"At this moment it is hard to tell. We did our best to repair it. There was a brief moment where we thought we lost her. But we were able to resuscitate her. The other doctor is in there finishing up we are going to be moving her to ICU for a while to keep an eye on her."

"When can I see her?" Elliot cut in.

"When we are finished with the surgery we will keep her here until she is conscious to make sure that there are no complications. Then we will move her to ICU."

"When can I see her?" Elliot repeated more sternly this time.

"As soon as she is conscious. I will let you know. Then you can come in and see her," the doctor said calmly. "But I have to get back in there I will come and get you as soon as there is a change."

"Thank you." Elliot said turning back to the window. He saw Olivia lying on the operating table. Motionless. The doctors were tugging and stitching and wiping blood away.

Tears began to roll down his face. He wiped the teardrops away from his eyes. It was best if he just went and sat in the waiting room.

XXX

Four hours and 7 cups of bad coffee later a doctor walked up to Elliot.

"Detective?" She questioned.

"Yes." Elliot said standing.

"I'm Dr. Rockwell. I have some good news and I have some bad news."

Elliot's heart sank. _Bad news?_ He thought to himself.

"Olivia is conscious. She is not paralyzed. But she will have to go through a lot of physical therapy. She will have to learn to walk again. Her nerves and her muscles are like new. They have no idea how to control the motions that her brain is sending them."

"Can I see her now?" Elliot asked anxious.

"Yes, but try to make it quick. She is very weak."

Elliot followed the doctor into the room.

When they walked in he saw her there. She looked nothing like the Olivia Benson he knew. She looked beaten. She looked abused. And most of all she looked defeated.

He just looked at her. She was sleeping.

"Is she ok?" he asked the doctor before walking over to her.

"She is fine we have her medicated for pain. She is just asleep right now. But you can come in and sit. I'm sure she would want that."

Elliot walked over and sat in the chair beside olivias bed. He closed the gap between them and grabbed her hand.

She opened her eyes and smiled at him. "hey," she said weakly.

"Liv I'm so sorry I should have been the one that went through that door not you."

"Elliot stop." she interrupted. "This is not your fault. Stop beating yourself up."

He smiled at her. "How do you feel?"

"Like I just got shot." She replied sarcastically.

"I meant are you in pain? Do you need anything?"

"I'm fine. I just want to forget today ever happened."

"I understand that. Do you want me to go so that you can get some rest?"

"No. I want you to stay."

"Ok that's all you had to say. I'm here for you Liv. I'm not going to go anywhere unless you want me to."

"Elliot stop you are blaming yourself again."

"Ok ill stop. You don't need to be upset."

"Thank you."

Elliot studied her. He looked in her chestnut eyes and searched. He was searching for answers. Answers to all the questions that were running through his head.

_How do I confront her about what happened today? Should I drop it? I cant drop it! I was going to leave my wife. I still am going to leave my wife. I don't love Kathy and I would be fooling myself if I said I did. I love her but not the way I should. I should never even say the word divorce. And yet I have thought of it on my own. Is Olivia still going to take the job with the fbi? I hope not. I love her. I don't want to see her go. I want to talk to her about it. But I also don't want to upset her. If I upset her that could make her worse. She just got shot. She got shot and its all my fault. I should have been the one to take position and her stay in cover. I should not have let her do that. What was she thinking putting her gun down when there is a lunatic pointing one right at her. Was she wanting to be shot? Was she wanting me to come in sooner? I should have come in sooner. Then she wouldn't be laying here in this hospital bed. She wouldn't be in pain. She wouldn't be hurt. I caused this. _

Olivia looked at Elliot and noticed he was lost in thought. "what are you thinking about?" she asked so quietly it was almost a whisper.

"Liv I don't want to upset you I think it would be best if we talked about this later. I really think you just need to rest and we can talk some more when you wake up. Ok?" Elliot said avoiding the question. He knew he couldn't lie to her. She always knew when he was lying to her.

"Ok. Your right I'm exhausted." she said turning her head from him. "Elliot," she said in a faint whisper.

"yea?"

"Don't leave Kathy," she started. "Don't leave your wife. I know you think that's what you want but you wouldn't have wanted it if I wouldn't have said something to you earlier. I'm sorry and I'm sorry that you are here right now instead of at home with your family. Please go ahead and go home to them. Go home to your wife. don't say you don't want to. Its ok. I know that you are a married man. I know that I was the one in the wrong today. I know that we should have never had that conversation. So like I said forget today ever happened."

"I cant forget it Olivia. I cant forget that you said you were leaving. I cant forget that you said that you were putting in your papers and going to work with someone else. Someone that is not me I cant forget that you said that you loved me. I cant forget that. Because I love you too. I don't want you to leave I don't want you to go work for the FBI and have some other partner and not me. I want you to be with me forever Olivia I want you to be with me and I want us to work. I want you to be mine. I want you to be with me. I want you to stay here and us be the unbeatable duo that we are. And we cant have that if you leave."

"I don't want you to leave your family Elliot. I don't want to be the reason for your divorce. I love you I do the fact that I actually told you should show that I do. I would have never in a million years have told you that if I wasn't leaving. I would love to stay but I cant. Once I am well again I will go and I will have to have a new partner. And who ever that may be they wont be you. They would never be you. I love you Elliot. But you are married and I only told you because I knew that if I left and I never told you then I would regret it for the rest of my life. And now I'm kinda regretting telling you. I don't want you to leave Kathy that was not the reason I told you. I told you so that I wouldn't leave and feel guilty for not telling you the reason that we worked so well was because I couldn't stand to let anything happen to you I would lay my life on the line to save yours. No questions asked. And there is nothing I want you to do about it. There is nothing about you that I would want to change. You love your wife Elliot I know that you do. I know that she is the world in your eyes. I know that. I don't want you to make a mistake by leaving her. That would just make you resent and I don't want that to happen. Look I really don't want to talk about this right now just know that I love you but Elliot we would never work out. We would never be able to be a couple just for the fact that I cant let you leave your wife. And your children. I cant let you do that to them. What would they think if you left Kathy to be with me. I would be the worst person in the world. And I don't like that they would feel that way. I could not live with myself if you left your life to be with me. And that is why I wont let you. I would never let you give up what you are all about Elliot. I love you but I'm not going to let you do this."

"It's not your choice Olivia."

"Please Elliot don't do this..."she said trying to adjust her self in the bed. But when she moved it sent sharp pains through her whole body.

"Don't move!" Elliot exclaimed. "Don't move baby. Ill call the doctor in."

"No! I don't want to be here any longer than I have to be. And if I keep asking them for help then I have to stay longer. I will never get better if I don't just suck it up and deal with the pain. I have dealt with pain my whole life what is a couple more months."

"Liv you have to take it easy."

"Elliot I cant take it easy I'm a cop. We have to get over it and move on. Things like this happen all the time. I cant just give in. I have to fight the pain. If I give in then he wins. And I refuse to let that happen."

"Liv I know that you are strong. I know that you are independent. But let me take care of you."

"Elliot you need to go home and take care of your wife." Olivia said matter-of-factly.

"I want to take care of you Olivia why are you making this so difficult?"

"Because Elliot. You are married. I told you that I love you and I do but I didn't say it so that you would leave your wife I said it so that I could sleep at night not regretting the fact that I didn't tell you. That was all. I had no intention of telling you for any other reason. I just wanted to tell you before I left."

"Liv I want to make something of this."

"Elliot there can never be anything between us. You are married."

"I can change that."

"No you cant Elliot because I wont let you."

"Why?"

"Because that is not who you are. You are a family man. And if you get divorced then you have no family and if you have no family then you are not you. Because without them you are a completely different person."

"But I can be that person with you."

"Elliot go. Go home to your wife."

"I'm not leaving."

"Don't make me call the nurse."

"Liv please." Elliot pleaded.

"Elliot you need to go home to your family."

"You are my partner. I want to be here for you," Elliot said.

"You can be here. If you want stay out in the waiting room because I'm done with this conversation. I just want to be left alone."

Elliot stood up out of the chair he was sitting in and started to walk towards the door. "Olivia I love you and I will not stop loving you. No matter what you say we will be together." he said with out turning to face her. He then walked out the door.

**A/N: well there you have it she lives! Yay! I know that this chapter is a little short but this is just a spacer chapter more will come. And next Elliot talks to Kathy! what will be said? What will be the out come? only one way to find out... reviews keep the story going with out them the story stops sooooooo if you want more I need to know :)**


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: I own nothing recognizable!**

**A/N: well there has been a lot of talk about why Olivia is pushing Elliot away... well all I can say is that if you keep reading you will soon find out all that you want to know**

Elliot walked into the house through the back door. He threw his keys on the counter and went straight to the refrigerator. He grabbed a beer and shut the door. When he turned around he saw Kathy sitting at the table. Alone. With all the lights off. Elliot looked at his watch. It was one o'clock in the morning.

Kathy still hadn't said anything to him. She just sat there in the dark moving the food she had on her plate with her fork. There was another plate with food on the opposite side of the table. He knew it was for him.

_Here we go again,_ he thought to himself. _Another fight. _

"What took you so long?" She said with out looking at him.

"I was at the hospital." he said in a low tone.

"At one in the morning?"

"Yes at one in the morning," he said raising his voice more.

"Well I know that you weren't there on a case because you wouldn't be home yet. So what happened?" She asked looking at him. She didn't really care for the reason. She just wanted to hear his excuse. His excuse to spend more time with his beloved Olivia.

"Kathy I don't want to get into this I haven't had a very good day."

"No Elliot I want to know what was so important you couldn't even be here for dinner." she said at almost a yell.

"Olivia was shot. I was there with her." Elliot said shouting back.

Kathy looked surprised. Almost like she cared. "Is she ok?"

"Shes alive if that's what you mean."

"Where was she shot?"

"The abdomen. It went straight through and severed a nerve in her back."

"Is she paralyzed?"

"No. She will just have to learn how to walk all over again. Her legs aren't reading the movements that her brain is sending. She has movement just not trained movement. So she has to go through a lot of physical therapy. Why are you acting like you care?"

"Elliot I'm not the bitch everyone thinks I am. I do care about Olivia. I just don't understand how there are things you can share with her that you cant share with me."

"She is my partner. I don't want to bring work home with me Kathy. In my line of work you have to have someone you can talk to."

"You can talk to me Elliot." Kathy shouted.

"No I cant."

"Why?" Kathy began to cry.

"Because Kathy I don't feel a connection with you anymore." Elliot shouted back.

"What did you say?"

"I think we should get a divorce." He said in almost a whisper.

"Elliot what are you saying?"

"I'm not happy Kathy. You're not happy. Why should we keep pretending that we are?"

"Because we are married. We are married Elliot."

"I know that. Don't you think I know that? Its all I think about. Its all that runs through my head. I love you Kathy. I just don't love you like I should. I should never think of a divorce. And yet today when I was at work. I knew that I was going to start a fight just by walking in the door. Kathy its like this everyday. I come home at 7 and I get 'what Olivia wasn't at work today?' I come home at 10 'what did you do go out with Olivia.' she is my partner Kathy get over it." He was shouting again.

"So you want a divorce so that you don't have to answer to me anymore?" She asked crying.

"No I want a divorce because you are not happy. I'm not happy and that in turn makes the kids unhappy and I want nothing more than for my family to be happy. I do love you Kathy. I would still lay my life on the line if it meant that you would have one second of happiness. But I am not in love with you the way that a husband should be in love with his wife."

"Why?"

"Because I'm in love with Olivia." He said feeling guilty admitting it to her. She was his wife. She was with him throughout everything. Never once did she turn her back on him. And now he was turning his back on her.

Kathy looked taken back. She was no longer crying but her cheeks and nose were red, and her face was still wet. "Have you slept with her?"

"No. but the feelings are there Kathy. I cant help it. I have never told her until today." He was looking at his hands. He couldn't look her in the eyes. He couldn't stand to see the hurt.

"Elliot, you probably just felt guilty because she got shot. That's all. You don't love her." Kathy said in a pleading manner.

"Kathy I told her before she was shot." Elliot said looking at her.

There was silence.

_ There it is,_ he thought to himself,_ that look. The one that I was avoiding. How could I have done this to her? Why do I have to love Olivia? You cant help who you love. I really don't want to hurt Kathy. I love her. But I'm not in love with her. I want to be. She is my wife. I made a vow to God to love her for the rest of my life. But how can you help that you have fallen out of love with someone? How can you help the fact that you love someone else? We were just kids when we got married. If it wasn't for Maureen we wouldn't have been married. She deserved better than that. She deserves to be happy. I know that she is unhappy in this marriage. And I just want to do the right thing. And right now the right thing for both of us is to be divorced. As much as I love her and my family we are all better off if this goes through. _

"I see." Kathy finally spoke. "After all that we have been through? After all that we have overcome. All that we had together? You are just going throw that away for some tramp?"

"Don't you talk about her like that!" Elliot shouted. "This is not her fault! She is not the one that is stuck in this marriage. Kathy I cant help that I fell for her." He got silent for a moment then continued, "I didn't want to. When I said till death do us part I meant that, at that time. But things change. People change. Life changes. And so do marriages. And this marriage has changed. And I'm not happy in it and I'm done with it. I'll pack my things and I'll stay in a motel until I can find something else. You can have the house. I'm fine with that. You can have the car that I bought for you. Kathy this is not me saying I don't love you. This is not me saying I don't want you to be happy. This is me saying the complete opposite. I want you to be happy and I know that you will be. And I want to be happy and I will be. And the kids will be. I promise."

"You really want this?" Kathy said with more tears in her eyes.

"This is what we need."

"I don't want to need it."

"Neither do I but this is for the best." he walked over to Kathy and took both her hands in his.

"I hope you are right for all of our sakes Elliot." She dropped her hands from his and turned to walk away.

"And Kathy," Elliot called out.

She turned to look at him.

"Don't hate Olivia. This is not her fault. She tried to talk me out of all this. I wouldn't listen."

"Elliot I have known you for a long time. And I have known her since you became partners. I know that she would never want you to leave me just because and I know that she would never want to hurt me or the kids. I know that these things happen. I have known you too were in love from the moment I met her. There are just things that women can sense. And that is one of them. I knew that she loved you from day one. Just as I knew that you loved her. I knew then that we would be having this conversation one day. I just wish I was wrong." She turned and walked away.

Elliot just stood there. He didn't know what to do all he knew is that he wanted to go back to the hospital. He wanted to get back to Olivia.

XXX

Olivia was laying in the hospital bed. She had just woke up from a horrible nightmare.

The nurse walked in with her breakfast. "Hello Ms. Benson, how are you today?" He asked with a smile.

"Better," she replied still unable to move with out being in pain.

"Well hopefully this will make you feel better." he sat the tray he was carrying on a table beside her. "Now we can do this one of two ways," he said referring to the meal. "We can try to sit you up or I can feed you."

"I will sit up thank you," Olivia said.

"Well it is completely up to you." He said trying to talk her out of it.

"That's alright I think I can handle it."

"Ok well lets get you sat up. If it hurts too much I will have to go ahead and feed you."

He sat Olivia up and pain shot through her whole body. She knew that she would not give in nor give up. The nurse saw the pain in Olivia's eyes.

"Are you ok?" He asked instantly.

"I'm fine." She said her eyes watering.

"Ms. Benson, it is ok to need help."

"Please stop calling me that. I'm Olivia. Please just call me Olivia." She replied to change the subject.

"I'm Randell. I think that we are going to go ahead and feed you if that is ok with you."

"No I am already sitting up I think that it would pointless to go through all that pain just to have you feed me anyway." Olivia said with a slight smile.

Randell pushed the tray to that was on the wheeled table over to Olivia.

"Thank you."

"You are very welcome. Now I'm going to be on duty until 3 so if there is anything at all I can do please do not hesitate to call me. All you have to do is press this button." Randell said holding the remote that was attached to the bed, he pointed to the red button.

"Ok I'll be sure to remember that."

"I'll be back in a little while to check on you."

"Thank you."

Randell smiled and walked out of the room.

XXX

It was now noon. Olivia had just woke up from a nap. All the medication they had her on for pain was keeping her knocked out most of the day.

She looked out the window.

The sun was shinning bright across the clear blue sky of the September day. She closed her eyes.

Visions of what could be played in her head like a movie. She could see where it all started. Her and Elliot.

_Elliot,_ she thought,_ why cant we just have what we are supposed to have without me feeling guilty? Why did I make you leave when all I wanted was for you to be right there with me the whole time? Because you are married. That's why. You already found your forever and always. I guess I just __never wanted it to happen like this I just never wanted to think that I was the cause of the breakup of a happy home. I want you to be happy and I know that you are having problems with Kathy. I could tell by the look in your eyes. Every time you would go home early it looked like a kid that had to go home at the 7__th__ inning stretch. You wanted to stay. I know you wanted to stay because you wanted to be with me it wasn't because you wanted to work. It was because I was there. I was with you. And that is just the reason I wanted to stay. I never wanted to stay over because I wanted to work longer hours on a case. A case that we already solved. The last thing I wanted was to sit there at that desk and look at all that paper work. But I did it because that meant that I got to see you just a couple minutes longer or an hour longer. I got to see that smile. And those crystal blue eyes. The way the moon light danced on your face when you would walk me out. The way that your skin touched mine when you would hug me goodnight. I lived for that moment. That is the reason I went to work everyday. _Olivia knew that she wouldn't be able to tell Elliot that. She wanted to. But after what she said to him the day before she would be lucky if he ever came to see her again. She wanted him there with her through all this. But she also didn't want him to make her feel like a home-wrecker. She loved Elliot that is a fact. But he was married. That is also a fact. That is the fact that gets three people hurt more than anything.

Olivia just kept her eyes closed and watched as the rest of the 'movie' played in her head.

It had fast forwarded. She was laying in another hospital bed. She was smiling. Elliot was standing with his back turned. He turned around and was had a smile from ear to ear. He leaned over to kiss her and hand her their beautiful baby girl.

_I'Leah Raeleen. that's what I would name her. A new baby Stabler. She would have my dark complexion. His beautiful blue eyes. And of course the blonde hair. _

"Olivia?"

A knock on the door was followed by Elliot's voice.

Olivia opened her eyes quickly and turned toward the door.

"Hey," she smiled.

"I didn't wake you up did I?"

"No I was awake. I was just uhh..." she paused for a moment to think, "resting my eyes."

"Can I come in?" Elliot dreaded the answer to that question. He didn't want to be rejected. He was there to confess his love. To make her see that she was in fact the one that the wanted to be with. She was the one that he wanted to come home to. And she was the one that he wanted to wake up to every morning. Now he just had to tell her that.

"Of course." Olivia responded. She wanted him there more than anything she just didn't know how to tell him that. She wanted him with her. She wanted him to hold her hand and tell her it was all going to be ok. She wanted him to hold her when she cried. She wanted him there to hold her when she felt like giving up.

She wanted them all to think she was strong. She wanted them all to think she was going to make it through this. But she wasn't trying to convince them. She was trying to convince herself. Truth be told she was scared out of her mind. She wasn't sure she could do what needed to be done. She didn't think she would ever walk again.

Elliot sat in the chair that was beside her bed. It was almost in the same position as the chair in the room she was in after her operation.

"Elliot I'm sorry." Olivia said.

"I don't want to talk about that right now." Elliot said.

"I do." She quickly retorted. "I need to. You need to hear that I am sorry. I am sorry for all that has happened. I am sorry I made you feel like you had to leave your wife for me. I don't want to start an argument. I just want to talk so please just hear me out. I love you. I want to be with you. I do. I want you to love me. And I know that you do. But I also know that you love Kathy and I would never want to take that away from you. I want you be sure that this is what you want. I don't want you to do anything that will ruin your life. If you think that there is any chance that you can work it out with Kathy then that is what I want you to do. But if you are at the point of no return and there is no chance that you will be happy with her ever again then maybe we can work out. I am just scared that you will regret the decision one day. And that is the last thing I want. Elliot you took a commitment when you married her. You said until death do us part and that is something that is hard for me to get passed. I fell in love with a married man Elliot and that is something I have to live with. But you, you are the one that has the hardest part. You have to look at everything and decide what will make you the happiest. Will you be happy with me? Will you want to be with me? I am damaged and I can admit that. It has taken me a long time before I could say that but I know now that I am. I am not the woman that can just come home and be a wife Elliot so I hope you wouldn't expect that from me. But I can be me. And I can be me even more when I'm with you."

"Can I talk now?"

"Yes," she said afraid of what she was going to hear.

"I already left Kathy."

"What!?" Olivia exclaimed. "When? Why?"

"I told her last night that I was in love with you."

"Oh my god Elliot I cant believe you would tell your wife that you love me. Why? Why would you do that?"

"Because I knew when you told me that meant that I wasn't the only one that had been holding feelings in. I have loved you for a long time Olivia. But what could I do? I was married and I wasn't going to give that up if you didn't love me too. I wasn't going to leave Kathy just to twiddle my thumbs all day. If I was going to commit a sin I was going to do it because we were going to be together. I told Kathy I want a divorce. I told her I loved you. I cant take that back. I cant undo any of that. And even if I could I wouldn't. Olivia you are now my whole life. I love you more than anything in this world. Next to my children. I cant live without you. When you told me you were going to work for the FBI I freaked out. I cant let you leave. I cant handle it. If you leave so will I."

"Elliot you cant leave. Your kids are here."

"And between you working and me working and Kathy working I'm sure we can afford the travel a couple times a month and holidays which is what I would have for visitations anyway. Look we can do this Olivia. Do I want to leave? No. but will I so that you will remain a part of my life? You can bet your ass I will."

"Did you really leave Kathy?" Olivia asked. She still couldn't believe it.

"Yes I did. That is why I wasn't here earlier. I was moving my stuff into storage and the motel I'm going to be at until I get a new place."

"Why would think that you have to stay in a motel? Elliot you know that I would never let that happen. I'm in the hospital right now anyway, I need someone to watch over my place while I'm gone you can just stay there."

"That's really not that big of a deal Liv. I can stay in a motel."

"Elliot I need someone to water my dead plant and pick up my junk mail anyway. It would just be easier if you stayed there for me."

"If that is what you want I will I guess."

"Well don't sound so happy about it I mean calm down." She said sarcastically with a smile.

"I just don't want you to think that I am trying to pressure you Liv. I want to be with you. I want to make something of us. But I know that if I push you into this I will just push you out of my life and that is the last thing I want."

"Elliot if I feel like I am being smothered in anyway I will make sure I tell you. It's not like I said lets get married. I just said you could stay at my house."

"So have you heard anything about how long you will stay here?" Elliot asked. He didn't want to bring it up but he knew that he had to. He had to know what was going to happen. He had to know when she would be home. And when he would be able to talk about them getting more serious. As of right now it was all just talk. Until she was home there was no way to know if she was as serious as he was. He felt she was serious but she could still leave. And he meant what he said. If she was going to leave he was going with her.

"I haven't seen the actual doctor yet just surgeons and nurses. But according to them I should be out in the next couple days. Maybe a week. They just have to make sure that everything is ok. I still wont be able to work. I want to work but I have to go through physical therapy first."

"Did they say how long it would be?" Elliot asked.

She knew what he was saying. He meant to add 'before you can start walking again' but he didn't. And thankfully not because she would have broken down. She tried not to cry and show weakness while she was there but she knew that it would come out eventually. "They haven't said anything all I know is I will see a doctor sometime today." she looked at Elliot. His face was torn. She couldn't read him like she usually could. Not too many people can tell what is going on in the head of Elliot Stabler but knowing him as well as she did helped her have a leg up on everyone else.

_Here they come_, she thought to herself,_ what if I never walk again?_ Tears began to stream down her face.

Elliot jumped up. "Don't do that to yourself Liv. Never think you cant do something. Because I know you can. You will beat this just like you have beat everything else in your life."

_How did he know what I was thinking?_

"Elliot I just cant get the thought of never walking again out of my head. It's my biggest fear." She said through the sobs.

"Olivia you can do it. You can do this. You will be walking before you know it. And you will return to work and everything will be back to normal."

"Even us?"

"We will be better than normal." He kissed her forehead. "I love you Olivia Benson."

She embraced him in a hug. "I love you too Elliot."

**A/N: well there it is chapter 3. I hope it is as satisfying to read as it was to write. I cant believe I had people really doubting Olivia! There is going to be more challenges to come. Its not going to be that easy for them. (but really has it ever been) they will face a lot to be together. Will one of them snap? If so who will it be? **

**Up next a visit from the team... stay tuned and please review :)**


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